The Key to Happiness
What makes for a good life?
If you could pick one thing that would guarantee that you would have a good life, what would it be? If you think it’s fame or money you’re not alone, but according to the longest scientific study on human happiness, you’re wrong. The answer is as simple and obvious as it is profound. A good life is built with good relationships.
“We found that the strongest predictors of who not just stayed happy, but who was healthy as they went through life – the strongest predictors were the warmth and the quality of their relationships with other people.”
Dr. Robert Waldinger
Dr. Waldinger is the lead researcher for The Harvard Study of Adult Development. The study’s goal is to find answers to what makes for a happy and meaningful life. Since 1939, generations of researchers have tracked thousands of people from all walks of life through their teenage years all the way to old age.
They started with two pools of men from vastly different backgrounds. One was a group of Harvard undergrads, some from the most privileged and powerful families in the country. The second group came from some of the city of Boston’s poorest neighborhoods.
As the years passed, some participants became factory workers and bricklayers. Others became doctors and lawyers. One became President of the United States. Some of the participants became alcoholics. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the top, while others made that journey in the opposite direction.
Every other year researchers checked back in and sent them questionnaires. They asked them about their work, their home life and their health. But they didn’t stop there, they also interviewed them, their families and talked with their friends and co-workers. To gain the fullest picture possible they kept track of their medical records, drew blood and even conducted brain scans in later years.
Three lessons about happiness
So, what did researchers learn after studying these men for more than 80 years? The lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. It’s about friendship. The one thing that makes the biggest difference to our physical health and happiness are good, close relationships.
And, just to be perfectly clear, when we say “happiness” we’re not talking about the instant gratification of retail therapy or the sugar rush of eating a delicious dessert. Nice things, to be sure, but we’re talking about real happiness. The kind of deep-seated satisfaction that comes from living a full and meaningful life.
1. Social connections are good for us
The first lesson is that social connections are good for us and that loneliness literally kills. It turns out that people who are connected to family, friends and community are not only happier, they are physically healthier and they live longer. Loneliness is literally toxic to our bodies.
People who are isolated from others more than they want to be find they are less happy, their lives decline earlier in mid-life, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely.Â
And the sad fact is that today, one-in-five Americans reports being chronically lonely. Loneliness is now being called “the silent epidemic”, especially among the elderly.
2. It’s a matter of quality over quantity
The second lesson researchers learned is good news for the introverts among us. It’s not just the number of friendships we have, but the quality of friendships we have is what really matters. It turns out that living in the midst of constant conflict is really bad for our health.
In one study, Researchers combed through the data of younger participants to try to predict who, when they turned 80, was going to be happy, and who was not. They compared information gathered about the men at age 50 with the same information when they were 80. It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how well they were going to age. It was, you guessed it, their relationships. Those who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.
3. Relationships benefit both the body and the brain
And the third big lesson researchers learned is that good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they also protect our brains. Turns out being in a secure relationship is incredibly protective for cognitive function.
Another interesting discovery was that good relationships didn’t have to be perfect. Some couples bickered at each other all the time, but just as long as they felt they could count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stayed sharper longer. And conversely, people who were in relationships where they felt they couldn’t count on the other person were the people who experienced the most early memory declines.
Wider Lessons Learned
1. Good relationships need to be nurtured
So, the finding that good relationships lead to good health and happiness isn’t all that surprising. Simple, straightforward, common-sense advice. The trick is that good relationships need to be nurtured.
Dr. Waldinger says we need to re-think how we prioritize our lives. We need to make time to nurture our connections with others. Spend more time with family and friends. Many of us often imagine that our best friends are going to be are friends forever, so we don’t think there’s a need to work at those friendships. But the sad fact is that many relationships just wither away from neglect. Dr. Waldinger says tending to our relationships is just as important as taking care of our physical health.
2. What type of relationships make us happy?
There are so many different types of relationships, it begs the question what kind of relationships make a difference? Another surprising finding is that it really doesn’t matter. We get substantial benefits from all kinds of relationships. Everything from our relationships with our families and close friends all the way to the brief interactions we have with strangers we meet on the street. It turns out we get little boosts of well-being from all of them.
Researchers think the reason is that relationships and human interactions act as stress regulators. And chronic stress, as we all know, is a huge problem. It literally damages our coronary arteries and can even break down our joints. But, if something really stressful happens, and we have someone who will stop and listen to us, our bodies will calm down and go back to baseline.
3. It’s never too late
The good news for late bloomers is that it’s never too late to change. After tracking people from more than eight decades, researchers found people can connect no matter what their age. People who thought they were never going to have good relationships were able to find new friends in their 60s and 70s. A few found romance for the first time in their 80s.
Again, it’s not terribly complicated. There are a lot of easy things that you can do right now to start connecting with others. Think of someone you miss or haven’t seen in a while and just send them a text. Send them a quick email. Call them on the phone.
Another thing you can do is to think about things you love to do or things you care about and find ways to do those things with other people. That way, when we’re engaged with things we care about with other people who care about the same things, we start out with something in common. And it’s not much of a stretch to strike up an easy conversation that can lead to meaningful relationships.
Lessons from 8 decades of research
Dr. Robert Waldinger, known for leading the longest-ever Harvard happiness study, returns with a follow-up TEDx talk 10 years later, with new insights about lifelong happiness and fulfillment.
Final thoughts
As you can see, none of this is exactly rocket science. Over the course of more than 80 years, this study has found that the happiest people were the ones who leaned into relationships with family, with friends and community.
You can improve the relationships in your life with just a little common-sense effort, no matter what age you are. And it’s important to remember that it’s never too late. The research shows that the people in the study who were happiest in retirement were the ones who actively worked to replace their old workmates with new playmates.
And, oh yeah, just in case you’re wondering which American President took part in this study, it was this guy, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. The 35th President of the United States graduated cum laude from Harvard in 1940 and was one of the study’s original participants.
Contact Us
At Senior Day KC, we believe in the power of conversation. Reach out to us by calling or texting 660-GOOD DAY (660-466-3329) or emailing [email protected] to find out more!